TEH BEST FANFIC EVAR
by aliasaurorasaccounthasmoved
Summary: Sometimes, this author gets sick of reading crappy fanfiction so horrible you have to wonder if they took it seriously when they were writing. When that happens, this author writes her own! You'll see, just shaddup and read!


Once upon this time there was this kid named Edward Elric. He was really cute and he had golden eyes like the sun and golden hair that shone like straw but like... pretty. Because straw is actually not that pretty but it has a nice color so like I guess... OH FINE! JUST SHADDUP OKAY!?

Even though anyone who is reading this is obviously into FMA otherwise they wouldn't be here, I'm still gonna expalin all about his life story, complete with misspelligns that coud easyly be fixde if I was paying attinshion but this is my fic so SHADDUP OKAY!

Edward Elric's Americanized name was Edward, but everytime I shorten it I'm gonna say Edo-kun, because in Japan his name is Eddowaddo or somethin' like that I dunno who cares about spelling SHADDUP OKAY! So yeah. I'm gonna call his nickname in Japanese and his formal name in English because who cares about consistuncy I can't even spell it!

Edo-kun had a tragic past because his okaa-san died of like some disease and his otoo-san was a big fat meanie head who abdnanandoned him and his little brother Al when they were both cutesy wootsy chibi baby Elrics. So he tried to bring his okaa-san back but it didn't work because ARAKAWA-SENSEI DOES NOT LIKE CUTESY WOOTSY CHIBI BABY ELRICS TO BE HAPPY! *sniff*

Then he lost his arm and turned Al into a suit of armor and so that was really awesome cause he luffs his widdle brudder sooooo much! *huggles Edo-kun* And then he got a metal arm but it's called automail and it's really awesome! Then he turned into a military puppy or something and raped the Fuhrer with a spear at his alchemy exams but it was cool because the Fuhrer was freakin awesome! AND FMA IS AWESOME!

And then I didn't read any more of the chapters because I got my firstest boyfriend evar and we were in love for TWO WHOLE DAYS! OMG!

So to heck (I'm not allowed to say the H-E-double-hockey-sticks word) with the most recent updates or the continuity of this story JUST SHADDUP OKAY?! IT OCCURS WHEN I SAY IT OCCURS! AND THAT IS "AT SOME POINT!"

(Caps lock is cruise control for cool.)

So once upon a time Edward was at the bar because in fanfic, nobody gets carded. And Rose and Winry and Roy and Envy and Al were all there too. And they were drinking. And since I can't decide what pairing I like I decided to make them fight over it. And I have no regard for grammatical conventions about starting sentences with conjunctions SO SHADDUP OKAY!

Right off the bat Al said why am I even here I don't want to sleep with my nii-san because Elricest is icky wicky yicky and I am too cool for quotations around direct quotes so you idi—er, I mean, you bakas can just figger it out what's his words and what ain't. And where the commas are supposed to be. Yeah. SO SHADDUP OKAY!

Then Envy turned into a hot chick and seduced Roy. But Hawkeye appeared out of nowhere and started shooting up the place because obviously nobody in the military gives a rat's ass about how many bullets she wastes and also Hawkeye is so awezum that when she shoots indoors, her bullets don't ricochet. Then, even though the depth and meaning of Mustang and Hawkeye's relationship hinges on its secrecy and understated... ness (any adjective can be changed into a noun by adding -ness to the end SO SHADDUP or face the painfulness of my angryness!), Riza and Mustang started making out because Royai is OTP. And Envy just like, walked away I guess.

Then the only people by Edo-kun were Rose and Winry. They were both drinking. But I don't know how people really act when they're drunk so I'll skip the inconvenient bits about nausea and passing out and just make everyone act comically silly.

So Rose was like, Edo-kun don't you think my unique hair is so purdy?

Edo-kun blushed because blushing is cute, and said umm....... yeah... I guess.... with no regard for the actual number of dots needed for an ellipsis. Because more dots means more hesitation!!!!!1! Yep! SO SHADDUP OKAY!

Winry sat on Edwards lap, and who cares about the difference between plurals and possessives? SHADDUP OKAY! And Winry said, So Edo-kun don't you think that I'm the best mekanic in the world?

And Edo-kun grinned and said yep!

So Rose downed six shots in a row without passing out or dieing from alcohol overdose and she traced a finger down Edo-kun's chest suggestively and said without slurring Edo-kun isn't it great how my tragic past with Cain makes me needy and you have to protect me from myself and I am the only girl for you!

Oops I mean question mark, what's the backspace button for anyway? I'll just let y'all figure it out.

Edo-kun said yes and I love you so much yep yep!

Winry said but Edo-kun I've known you so much longer and I made your automail and I'm a blonde and you are too so obviously we BELONG together right!

Edo-kun blushed and Winry bounced a little on his lap and put her arms around his neck and leaned in close and it was so kawaii! Edo-kun said yep and you have boobs in this cute black tube top and Rose is flat chested!

Winry stuck her tong out at Rose: FLAT CHESTED! Ya hear that?! Then she used the tong to pick up some salad and put it on her plate because ANORIXIA IS KAWAII! SO SHADDUP OKAY!

Rose was not one to be bested, so she got up on the table, the magic table because a second ago it was a bar, and she started dancing. Then she tripped because she's drunk (allegedly) and fell and landed on top of Ed and he fell out of his chair on the ground. Winry poofed out of the way, I guess, because even though she was in his lap, it's only awkward if Rose is on top of Edo-kun. Not if they are all sprawled everywhere, that would be lame.

Shoujo bubbles erupted everywhere and Edo-kun blushed. Then Winry got mad and dumped a glass of water—no, vodka is better, wait that's a clear drink right?—okay, it was red wine on Rose's head. Then Rose's dress was ruined so she went berserk and they had a slapfight. Then the slapfight got taken outside and it started raining, but movie rain, not the icky mud-making kind. Rose and Winry were all soaking wet and it was like a wet T-shirt contest up in there. Then it turned into like a beer commercial and Rose and Winry started making out and they became a yuri pairing.

Sheska cried because Winry was always Shessy's yuri partner, but it was OK because Lust appeared out of nowhere and then those two became a yuri pairing.

Havoc still had no girlfriend.

But then after Rose and Winry were gone, Edo-kun had no one to talk to!

LE GASP!

So a magical sparkly Mary-Sue showed up!

Her name was Rayne and she had silky raven hair down her back and amethyst orbs because she's too cool for eyes. She was a State Alchemist because she had gotten her license at 10 just like Edo-kun. Wait, is my timeline right? WELL IT IS NOW SO SHADDUP OKAY! She was called the Sakura Alchemist. Not because she did anything with cherry blossoms. I just happen to be fluent in Japanese yep yep! And Sakura is means cherry blossom! IT'S PRETTY SO SHADDUP OKAY!

Rayne was 13 years old! Just like me! And even though she'd barely just started puberty, she had A HUGE RACK!

Ed blushed and fell in love with her at first site. (He couldn't even get his homophones straight. That's how in love he was.)

"I LOVE YOU RAYNE!" he shouted! He transmuted a sakura petal into a gold ring, ignoring the alchemy laws about transmuting vegetable into mineral. True love breaks the constraints of science! And he also didn't have to worry about the rule against transmuting gold. Because Mustang is the only authority figure in the military and he was busy getting laid. Also, I just found out the Fuhrer is evil so he doesn't matter anymore. So nobody cared.

"YOU SHOULD MARRY ME RAYNE!" Edo-kun shouted happily.

Now I'm sick of these troublesome quotation marks so fagedda boud it. (Cliché mafia accent.)

Why, of course I will marry you Edo, said Rayne. Let's go to the church!

Father Cornello is the only churchey guy I know of in FMA so they went to Lior or Reole or however ya spell it.

So they got married and their honeymoon was awesome! Rayne was a virgin of course so Ed took her virginity and IT DIDN'T HURT AT ALL because I'm a virgin too and I don't actually take Bio in school until next year SO SHADDUP OKAY!

And Ed and Rayne had mind-blowing virgin sex! Rayne had SIX magic orgasms! And Ed never got sleepy after his climax because I know nothing about biology. and they went on for hours and hours without capitalizing their sentences because Ed has magic balls that produce semen like Angelina Jolie produces babies.

AND NOBODY WAS SORE IN THE MORNING.

~Epilogue~~~~tilde~tilde~tilde~these~are~so~kawaii~!~~

Rayne and Ed had three babies. They were triplets and they all looked alike but they were different genders. Their names were Trisha, Rayne Jr., and Bob.

Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding, Winry and Rose committed a Romeo & Juliet-esque suicide.

Roy and Hawkeye became the subject of an unfortunate scandal when Envy came back from wherever he went and announced that he/she was preggo with Roy's child. Distraught, Roy ran away and hid in a corner, found Scar, and they became a yaoi pairing. Riza shot the baby. Envy trotted off again and became unimportant to the plot.

To Lust's despair, after reading an absolutely terrible book about sparkly vampires, Sheska was unable to forget what she had read and instead hung herself, but not before gouging out her own eyeballs. Lust took refuge in the bosom of Alex Louis Armstrong and they had a threesome with Envy, who showed up again randomly. The threesome was covered in bishie sparkles that blinded passerby, and Denny Brosh was one of the unfortunate victims.

Denny ran crying to Maria Ross. Maria Ross, Olivia Armstrong, that chick Rebecca, Mei Chan, Gracia Hughes, Elicia Hughes, anime!Sloth, Envy, and Ran Fan teamed up to make Denny an erotic sex tape to make him feel better. Unfortunately, they didn't think that one through too well.

Falman lived the rest of his life as a dull and uninteresting military dude. He died of lung cancer because of Havoc's secondhand smoke. Absolutely nothing happened to Havoc.

Fuery finally figured out that he's totally adorable and played it up by quitting the military becoming a male stripper. Hayate is glad he no longer has to associate with Fuery.

Envy used his Philosopher's Stone to bring Hughes back to life. Together they killed Gracia and Elicia and became a yaoi pairing.

The End, SO SHADDUP OKAY!

* * *

**Okay, so, sometimes, crappy fanfic pisses me off. Actually, crappy fanfic ALWAYS pisses me off. So what do I do when I find crappy fanfic? MAKE FUN OF IT, OF COURSE! SO SHADDUP OKAY! **

**Hope I made you laugh!**

**Clicky the green button plz?**


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